Lucerostar

Another school year is in the books and this one has been a tumultuous one. Here is what we have learned:

High School:

This was a year of trust and letting go. It was another lesson that parenting is not painted with a broad stroke but with fine lines on individual canvases.

“All good things must come to an end” is not only true and foreboding but is also incomplete. The phrase should be, “All good things must come to an end when it is least expected.”

This happened with football and we are now treading through uncharted territory. It was a year of accountability and allowing our son to decide his own way and the heartache that comes with it. I am proud of him, he knew the repercussions of making that hard decision and he has had to suffer them on a daily basis, since. It will get easier for him next year, he’s made of tougher stuff. Maybe a little obscurity is not a bad thing to wish for also.

College:

My son’s freshmen year of college is over. We had to say bye to our baby boy 9 months ago and let him walk out into the world. Some parts were easy for him and some proved to be daunting but that is life. Here is what I learned about having a child in college.

We parents do not have the pull like we did in high school – Unlike grades k-12, we don’t get grade connect alerts to our son’s progress and when we ask the college they actually say “No”. We have to rely on our son to tell us how he is doing. In fact, the college only acknowledges the significance of us parents when they need someone to sign financial papers. Don’t they realize we need to continue to helicopter our children all the way through even adulthood?

– 18 years old is not an adult. I don’t care what the government says. I am glad the drinking age is 21, not that it matters. Yes, you may have a little genius on your hands that is perfect in every way and the school of hard knocks is the best free education you can get; however, these kids have no clue what it is like to be on their own. With that said, college treats them as adults with full accountability so its time we do the same.

– If your children get to attend a local college, you will see them all the time. Yes, I wrote about how saddened I was at his leaving and those feelings are real. I will continue to miss him every time he leaves his home. HOWEVER, when they are 20 miles from the house there are a multitude of reasons you will see them in your home throughout the year. Let’s go through them, shall we?

Clothes – A laundry room with free access to washing machines and dryers are but a few feet from his dorm yet he is at our doorstep, weekly, with his Santa sized bag of dirty clothes for his laundry service, mom and nan, to fluff and fold. I think the complete mind-numbing boredom of waiting for your clothing to wash and dry, not to the mention the deafening noise of responsibility, was too much for him to attempt to do this himself. I really can’t talk though, I also had my own home laundry service and still do.

Food – Along with free access to a laundromat he is also provided three, free squares a day on campus, one of which is a buffet in his dorm building. By the way nothing is free, it’s just all included with the bargain basement cost of staying on campus. If it were me they would have to pry my ass out of those eateries as I would take full advantage, hourly. No, that is not the case with my oldest. Another benefit of living so close is that he gets mom and dad to take him to lunch and dinner, weekly. He still has half of his food credits left which he will lose half of in one week. Money well spent.

Car – He is one of the fortunate students to have a car at college which means, maintenance services, tires and gas money are only a short 20-minute drive north to Dad’s Garage. Open all night.

Shopping – All he needs to say are the magic words, “I need new clothes” and poof, the magic shopping fairy, who goes by many names, but we will run with “Mom”, is at his doorstep with credit card in hand.

– College isn’t cheap. When I was his age I worked a full-time job and attended college, at night, to get my bachelor’s degree. When I received my degree, my education was paid for in full and I still had money left over to blow it on stupid things. Not now, the tuition and costs associated with attending even a public college, is a small fortune.

– Fraternity life is somewhat like the movies. My son’s frat house makes Delta House look like a mansion in Bel Air. If you don’t know what Delta House is please stop reading. They drink cheap beer and the only time they actually get to drink “expensive” beer, Shiner, is on parent’s night. They are a brotherhood and after high school football ending, I can see how he would want to be part of something like a fraternity. It suits him well.

– Grades. He found out that college is actually hard work. It’s deceiving, as college provides so much freedom and opportunity for fun that it’s easy to let it get away from you. He got to spend many a late nights in the library.

That is it! Everything now is right as rain as my son is home and my family is intact again, at least for the summer. I will relish these days and hope they go by slowly, much like my boys do, but for different reasons.

——–

It was 5:00 PM and I was alone at work, after hours in my cubicle, but I was not working. Instead, I was sitting in front of my computer sulking with my arms crossed, pissed off at God, my wife, and the world. I mean I was fuming pissed off. “Why would you put this on me now?”. “Why?!”

You see, I had just received a phone call from my wife, If you can call it a phone call. I answered and the only words she spoke were “I think I’m pregnant” and then hung up. I sat there frozen, with my mouth wide open and phone receiver still in one hand.

“What did she just say?”. “Did she say she was pregnant?”

Yep, she hung up. She knew what my reaction would be to the news and she wanted me to stew on it for a while. Looking back it was pretty funny and kind of cute.

I was going to get nothing done now. I called her back and asked the typical stupid questions:

“How did this happen?”

“Really?”

“Did you take a test?”

“Yeah, about 6”

“How do you know it’s not wrong?”

“Kerry took one too and it was a different result” Kerry is her best friend and our roommate. Kerry was not pregnant.

I was upset to the rafters and accused her of sabotaging her birth control to get pregnant. Yeah, I was a jerk and I handled the news like a selfish little baby. It was not like I did not want to become a father, I just did not want to become one in the next 9 months.  I said to myself, “I am not ready for this, I have plans, there is still more to do”.

Let me add, however, to this day my lovely bride still has not confirmed nor denied she had sabotaged her pregnancy. Oh, the chickens are coming home to roost, Katherine Irene Lucero. HA HA.

I got in my car and drove home. It was a 20 minute drive to our house and it gave me time to think about everything including my behavior. By the time I pulled up to the driveway, anger had given way to wonder.

“Wow, this is all going to happen.”

Yeah, it was going to happen regardless of how angry I got or how hard I pounded on the ground and screamed to the heavens. I was going to be a father.

I found her in our bedroom, lying on the bed looking very solemn. It was obvious she was scared and my reaction on the phone offered her no comfort. In that time period from our phone call to now, she must have felt very alone and that was my doing. She looked at me with large tears in her eyes and said, “I don’t know how to be a mother”.

I put my arms around her and asked these questions.

“Do you know how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”

“Yes”

“Do you know how to bake cookies?”

“Yes”

“Do you know how to put bandaids on booboos?

Yes.

“Do you know how to read bedtime stories?”

“Yes”

“Do you know how to give hugs and kisses?”

“Yes”

“Then you know how to be a mom and you are going to be the best.”

I walked out of our bedroom to the living room where my buddy Malvin, our other roommate, was sitting and I announced loudly, “I AM GOING TO BE A DAD!”

Every day since that moment, I have announced loudly that I am a dad.

Today, that “interruption of my plans” just walked out of my house to live in his dorm at college. The anger and irritation I experienced, at the first hearing of his coming, pales in comparison to the complete heartbreak and sadness I am experiencing at his leaving. I am not ready for this, I had plans, there is still more to do.

When youth sports were over, my role went from coach to spectator. Now, in life, it is time again for me to slowly walk off the field and take my seat in the stands. I will forever thank God for ignoring those plans of mine and presenting His to me, in all its glory and joy.

Goodbye son.

——–

My son graduated high school yesterday. Although it was 13 years ago, I still vividly remember his first day of school. Here stood this sweet, little boy with his Thomas the Tank Engine backpack, ready to take on the world. His world, at the time, was no further than our reach but to him it was still so big and unknown.

Here he is again with his backpack, not a Thomas the Tank engine although that would have been funny, but now his world is much larger and goes beyond anything we can grasp. I know he will take it on with the same dogged determination he has taken every challenge but to see my baby boy walk out of our world into his, leaves a deep chasm in my heart. I am sure this is the same for every parent whose child graduates this year.

In the spirit of being a father, I will dispense my wisdom to him and to all the graduates of the class of 2018 and beyond.

• Do not become a stranger to home, no matter how far you venture, and know you can always come back it.
• Continue to believe and lead others by example to do the same.
• Continue to make sports, both playing and watching, a big part of your life. Become a coach at least once; one time is all it will take.
• Sign up to volunteer and humble yourself for the sake of others. You have no idea the impact you will have on humanity by simple gestures of kindness.
• Stand for what you believe to be right and I pray the repercussions of being staunch in those beliefs are not too dire. If they are, you have many who will have your back!
• You will make new friends but never forget the ones who helped you get to where you are and the wonderful times you had with them.
• I hope you fall flat on your face and must rely on your own efforts to get up, but know we will always be right there behind you.
• Find every opportunity to have fun but also know when it is time to do work.
• Always say, “Why not me?” but don’t think you are entitled to it. You have to put in the work.
• Take risks when opportunities present themselves and do not be afraid of failure. Nothing is unrecoverable.
• Let me repeat, nothing is unrecoverable. Nothing is so final that you should despair. Never think you cannot find another way from failure and that includes school, work, life and relationships. This too shall pass.
• On partying and drinking – Greatness is never achieved while under the influence. Of the accomplishments I am most proud, they were never achieved by alcohol. On the contrary, my lowest moments are directly proportional to my BAC. Indulge but be smart.
• Search for adventures, always, and please tell us about them.
• Get in the habit of writing and never stop, no matter what it is.
• Chronicle the most mundane times of your life in both picture and video because someday, someone else will not think they are mundane at all.
• Discover that joy comes from giving joy not from attaining treasure.
• Kick the crap out of your comfort zone.
• Don’t be an idiot.
• Feed people, both friends and strangers. It is the most basic of human wants and the easiest way to bring joy.
• Don’t let this world harden your heart and don’t let those Capra colored lenses I gave you when you were little, fade.
• I pray the school of hard knocks is not too brutal and life lessons do not come with too steep a price. Again, nothing is unrecoverable.
• I pray you experience, someday, the same love I did when I first laid eyes on you.

May I present to you and the World, Jared Lucero, my sweet little boy for whom I could not be more proud. Good job J-ROD!

We are the wholesale distributors of advice to our kids. It is a right, an obligation, a duty and to be honest, it is just fun to bs the younger generation when they still believe every word we say, before becoming jaded and cynical. Please allow me to pass some advice I have told my children throughout the years, ad nauseum. Here is my list in no particular order.

1. Always stand when greeting someone.

2. Never start a fist fight, finish it.

3. No electronics at the dinner table no matter where that table is.

4. If you are not getting better at it, you are not having fun.

5. Give a firm handshake and look into their eyes.

6. Always say sir and ma’am, always.

7. Stand up for the weak, not take advantage.

8. Never disrespect another man in his own house.

9. Do not use your phone and drive.

10. Do not ever get upset for others having more than you or you will never be happy in life.

11. You were not blessed with size or speed, you will have to prove yourself over and over again, every day of every season. That is your lot in life, embrace it.

12. Do whatever you want to do but just be the best at it and then see #4.

13. Always hold doors for people.

14. Do not fill the glass all the way unless you intend on drinking every last drop.

15. Stay away from drugs. They take over your life and waste your time.

16. What was YOUR part in all this? What did YOU do?

17. Don’t be a quitter but also know when it’s time to move on.

18. Don’t ever get mad if a woman does not want to get physical or intimate. Get used to rejection.

19. Don’t ever talk back to your mother.

20. Scenario: Department store with the wife and kids. Wife is shopping for Xmas.

Son: “Dad this is so boring”

Me: “It’s all part of the experience, son. This is to prepare you for when you get married and have to go shopping with your wife…here hold her purse”

21: When you get older teach your children about God and take them to Mass.

22. Son: “Why do I have to make my bed it will only get messy again?”

Me: “Why do you take a shower, you are only going to get dirty again?” (Does not work with younger children who care nothing for personal hygiene).

23: Because I told you so.

24: Do the right thing when no one is watching, that is integrity.

25: Fair is not getting the same as everyone else. Fair is getting the same opportunity as everyone else.

26: Never be happy with losing. Once you accept it, it will become a disease. Never sacrifice your values to win, either. Always show sportsmanship.

27: Keep your promises.

28: That is called an excuse son and never make excuses. Find a way to adapt and overcome but never blame others if you don’t get what you want or if you fail

29: The team is more important than any one player.

30: It hurts but it will go away sooner than you think and you will look back at these times and laugh at what you thought was important.

31: Never disrespect your coach. Offer to play every position you can and be the best at it. Coaches do not reward players with bad attitudes. Coaches reward gamers and scrappers who are coachable. Be coachable!

33: Never, ever raise your hand to a girl. I don’t care if she is kicking your ass.

34: Money does not make you a better person nor will it make people love you. It is not a measure of success unless that is all you value. If that is all you value then I have failed.

35: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.

36: Are you injured or are you hurt? Play when you are hurt, sit when you are injured.

37: Take the initiative son and figure out how to do it. Don’t rely on someone else, all the time, to show you how.

38: Stop complaining. It accomplishes nothing. Argue your point but don’t complain.

39: Admit when you are wrong or if something was your fault. It takes courage to do it.

40: I love you and I will always have your back.

Advice I will say to my sons in the future:

– #1 to #40, over and over again.

– Work your butt off while you are young. Get the experience you can.

– You will never be remembered for all the time you spend at your job but you will be remembered for all the time you spend or do not spend with your family.

– Experiences and memories are more important than items.

– Be the kind of person who hosts parties and don’t go cheap.

– If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room

– Don’t be the guy who finds things broken without offering to fix them

– Being “Real” or “Honest” should never trump compassion, it is not an excuse to be an asshole

– Pick your battles

– Don’t look back on woulda, coulda, shoulda, it is a complete waste of your time.

– If she makes your life harder, she is not worth it. If she makes your life great, hold on to her and do whatever it takes to make hers better, even if it is hard.

– Call your mother

– Happy wife= Happy life (my father-in-law told me that one)

My grandmother was born Madeline Simone in New York in 1924. She was a first generation Italian American and English was her second language, like most immigrants. She stood 4ft nothing, as sweet as a saint and as staunch as one too. Like all the women in the household, during her day, she cooked but Italian households were a little different back then, at least the ones she talked about; the men cooked also.

My great grandfather, Salvatore Simone, made the “gravy”. That is what the Italians back east called spaghetti sauce. It is a meat sauce not typical of Bolognese but a Sunday meat gravy. My great uncles would hunt or get the meat for the sauce. My great aunts would have to help with making the pasta and peeling tomatoes. They would have to boil down the tomatoes for paste which took hours. They would then have to blanch and peel quite a few more for the sauce which they cooked in pork lard.

The sauce took days to make. It was impressive to hear how they made everything from scratch, fresh from the vine. It was more impressive to hear how the family had to work together to complete and serve this meal. These were the stories she would tell me of the family.

My grandmother lived with us so the stories I have are of me waking up to the aroma of onions, green peppers, and garlic “browning” in the meat stock. I often say this stage of the sauce is where the essence comes out; the soul of the sauce, if you will. I know it is corny but when you realize the generations who have made this before and the multitude who have sat around the table to dine on it, it’s not so corny.

Her version, the more modernized method with canned tomatoes and supermarket items, now only takes about 6 hours to make so waking up in those early mornings meant we were going to eat that night. I could never wait until the sauce was done, however, so I would grab some slices of Weber’s sliced bread and conduct dipping raids on the large bubbling pot on the stove. She would always warn me of the raw pork in the sauce and the danger of eating it before it was fully cooked. That never deterred me. It was well worth risking a bout with trichinosis.

When I got a little older, I started helping her with the sauce. She never had it written down and in fact, my mother and I don’t either so we better not get hit by a truck or the 100 year old family recipe will be gone forever. Don’t ask us for the recipe because we would not have the time to write it down. My reasons for helping her were selfish. I figured the more help she got the faster I will eat. I never realized I was partaking in an old family tradition although I never had to peel one tomato or make one string of pasta.

It seems like whenever she made this sauce everyone we knew would coincidentally show up at our house. It was like a beacon and I would invite my friends and even ex girlfriends to come over because I knew they enjoyed it. It was always a gathering and my parents had this huge, old round table in the dining room. It was perfect because we would all sit around it and the house would fill with laughter and conversation. At the time I cared only for the pasta. It took a few years away from my home to realize it was much more than the food, though, it was family.

My grandmother! If you knew her you loved her and that is no lie. She died in that house in 1996 from lung cancer. The last pot of sauce made when she was alive was made by me for her and on that day, at dinner time, the house was packed.

Today, I continue the tradition and with that, I have recruited my oldest to help. My house will now fill with the “soul” of the gravy and my sons will carry on what was started years ago by my family. I still can’t wait to eat it though. Maybe I will look in the pantry for some Weber’s bread. What do you think grandma, is it ready yet?