So, it has been 29 days since we were asked to stay home. Here is what I have discovered.
Bodily protection – We have all the gear, latex gloves, homemade hand sanitizer that is about as effective as Kool-Aid in killing germs, and your favorite homemade face mask. When I say homemade, basically they are bandannas you were able to find in the garage or your wife’s closet. I cannot make a pink bandanna look cool as a face mask no matter how hard I try. Also why am I the one always stuck with the pink bandanna too, when we have to go out?
Food – I have never eaten so much at home, even as a kid, however with a twist. Because normal, everyday food items are now a scarcity we find we have to be a little creative. We are left to figure out how to make a meal with one can of tuna fish, Saltines, an egg and that summer sausage hidden in the back of the fridge from that basket we won at the office Christmas party.
Essential Items– It is not toilet paper that is critical, it is alcohol. The favorite past time is not drive by parades or Zoom meetings, it is drinking every drop of alcohol in the house throughout the day because where the hell are we going? With that said, nothing is more discouraging than opening the fridge and finding the only drinks left are lime Whiteclaws. Everyone hates lime Whiteclaws but you will down those like a frat boy on spring break when there is either that or the vanilla extract in the spice cabinet, believe me.
Home Projects – You think you are going to finish your home projects until you have sawed that last piece of wood and you find you need one more 2 X 4. After you have scoured the house for possible lumber you might be able to reclaim, “ Do I really need to have a fence that surrounds my entire back yard? “, you realize you can either grab the pink bandanna, gloves, hand sanitizer and gear up to face the apocalypse for a trip to Home Depot or grab the last lime Whitelaw and watch a replay of the 96 bowling championship on ESPN. Project Delayed.
Children – Oh the apple of our eye quickly sours as we find that remote schooling is not what it is all cracked up to be. Yes, we had visions of our children sitting quietly in front of their computers participating in their classroom Zoom sessions, diligently working throughout the day. What we actually find is having to constantly threaten, uh err I mean remind, our children to go online and do their work every other hour. Also, when they are stuck with a problem they are coming to us, not their teacher, and we find that we have to re learn Algebra all over again. I hated it the first time. No this is not as easy as we thought. During regular school our precious little angels were the school’s problem but during remote school these little demons are now our problem as we go to the refrigerator for the 15th time only to find that even last lime Whiteclaw is gone.
Shopping – This has become a special chore. We search Nextdoor and social media to see what stores are stocked with essential items. You would think we are trying to find the left taillight for a 54 Chevy Belair the way we scour the Internet. “There is a guy in Hutto who has a pack of Charmin, in good condition, he is willing to part with for $40. I might jump on it, sounds like a good deal.” When we have our game plan in place we hit the store to stand in line for about an hour, waiting to get inside. Once in, it’s like Walmart on Black Friday as we race to get the “Essential Items” only to find there is no more bread left but a pack of gluten free tortillas. “We are having bologna burritos tonight kids!” Where are the Whiteclaws?
Information – Ha Ha Ha Ha. We don’t know anything and just when we think we do, it all changes. This is a shit show, just find a seat and grab your popcorn, if you can find any out there.
Adversity – We are not as tough as we thought we would be in times of crisis as it seems 29 days without a haircut is really triggering people. I myself find it a perfect opportunity to grow that man bun I have always wanted to have but thought looked stupid on every man.
Grocery Delivery – It is not as great as it seems. God bless these brave souls, risking their health shopping for our items as we sit safely at home. I truly believe it. As brave as they are, they are not that great at picking substitutions though or delivering to the correct address. I guess canned oysters might be considered a good substitute for Tuna fish. I hope my neighbors liked them as it looks like they received our order. Again, all kidding aside, God bless them.
Social Media – The best memes of all time are coming out during this time and I am having a good laugh. I hope you are too. Stay Safe!